big brother

"It was a trap. I'd seen the type in the entertainment world of LA, people who get so far and no farther, seething resentfully on the margins at people who direct real Hollywood movies or act in real Broadway plays. These near misses often get just enough reward here and there that they won't give up, but their occasional small successes are in some ways worse than nothing.  

Failure affords release."

"Lastly, the well and truly fat. I think we long ago put to rest their reputation for jollity. Misery, more like it. Melancholy, perhaps. Helplessness. Self-indulgence and self-deceit. Defensiveness. Resignation to the present; fatalism about the future. Self-hatred and self-reproach. Shyness. Self-pity, albeit richly deserved; a persecution complex, although ought it be called a "complex" when you're genuinely persecuted? A self-deprecating sense of humour. Humility. As a consequence of having all too often been on the pointy end of malice, kindness. An enfolding warmth. Generosity. Born of self-evident frailty, cheerful acceptance of whatever might also be wrong with you. A longing to be left in peace, and a preference for staying home. Gentleness. Harmlessness. Langour. Frankness. Ribaldry. A down-to-earth nature and a lack of pretension."

-Big Brother, Lionel Shriver

She nailed it. As always. Loved her new novel to bits. When I read the ending, I was like WTF?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I hated it, I wanted it so badly to turn out what I thought to be. And then i grew to love it. Because it is SO GOD DAMN TRUE. That deep down as much as we would all love the cliche happily ever after ending, the reality is far from that. That relationships aren't that simple as it is. That the whole "blood is thicker than water" can only go so far. 

Damn i can't wait for her next novel. 

the fault in our stars

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.” 

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”  

My two favourite paras of the book. Bulldozed through the book in 2 days. I am undecided if I want to watch the movie, if it can live up to the book. If it does, I am so going to bawl my eyes out like how I did when I was finishing up the last part of the book. I was tearing on the bus and didnt dare to continue till I was safely in the confines of my tiny room. 

Another classic oh-my-god-i-am-crying-till-i-cant-breathe-and-i-am-gg-to-look-like-crap-the-next-day-because-my-eyes-are-gg-to-be-so-swollen-it-is-not-even-funny is "A Walk to Remember". Both the book and the movie reduced me to a pile of sobbing mess. A complete sucker for such love stories. 

Now I am juggling between GoT (Book 5 now finally!!!) and May We be Forgiven. I still have a lot more books in my Kindle waiting to be read. The couple of days have been spent reading on the MRT instead of the bus because I have been attending trainings at the inland revenue house. 

Kind of dreading tmr's training because the trainer is so incredibly long winded and there are so many times that i want to scream "GET TO THE FREAKING POINT ALREADY" / "YES HOW MANY TIMES DO U NEED TO REPEAT THIS. WE GET IT. WE G.E.T. I.T. WE REALLY GE. WHAT YOU ARE REPEATING IT AGAIN?!!?" / "NO THIS IS NOT RELEVANT. I DONT CARE YOU ARE SICK/DYING/INSERT WHATEVER DISEASE AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT SPREADING IT TO ME. MOVE ON WITH THE TEACHING TYVM" 

I think the trainer kind of avoided looking in my direction because my face was so black and the aura that was I was channeling screams "i want to beat you with a stick if you repeat the same ol' point AGAIN. like for the 1093848754th time." And not surprisingly, he ended late which means BAD TIME MANAGEMENT DUDE. RAH. And he wants to start later tmr!?!? Like WTH?! Shouldnt we aim to start on time so that we can end on time??? 

Travelling via train in the morning is something I have not done since I have started work, preferring bus as the mode of transport to work as opposed to the train. And with the recent (maybe not so recent) string of train disruptions and all the horror stories that I hear, I am more pro-bus than ever. But somehow, this morning's train wasn't as bad as I thought. It wasn't that crowded or maybe cause I was a bit too early, hence missing the peak period crowd. Thanks to the trainer's attempt to be "kind" and start the training later, it will mean that I will need to fight my way into the train with the insane crowd cause I will be taking the later train. Either that or reach insanely early and freeze my butt off in the training room. WHY YOU WANT TO START LATER!!!!!!!!

Speedlight

So many levels, so many sides, so many roles, so many identities, so many faces. I love them all. So, which do you see?

I want lunch! 

Painting shall be the alternate plan. The bath bombs shall not be subjected to water death and continue the peaceful life as an air fresherner. As of now. Lucky you two.

 My fingers are itching to braid some hair. Any hair volunteers? Just makes me want to grow my hair again. 

Luuuuunccchhhhhh

All that money

I am no saint, i admit. I love gambling, i love the adrenaline rush that comes with it. But at the very least, i gamble within my means. I know when to cut off and walk away before the losses get out of hand. 

Early morning counselling on the way to work seems to be the trend. Being the loyal friend, im always more than happy to lend the listening ear, to give advice and to offer comfort words. I am glad that my close friends will think of me to come to for help, that i am someone they can trust and rely on. That being said, the current issue hits too close to home and i am finding it very hard to control my emotions as i normally can. To separate chloe at work and xinhui as a friend. 

This is going to be a long long day.

P.S: just had to get this off my chest. U major asshole! Im gg to kick yr ass and give u a good wakeup call if i ever see u that is.

Edit:

So close to swearing off men and turning lesbian. Awesome day followed by 2 consecutive shit days. Someone up thr is having fun messing with me. What better way to close off 2013. I. Need. My. Long. Run.

Dwell

越想越烦。真的很爱想太多。明明可以很简单却要搞得很复杂。

烦

死

了

vanished

I almost had a mini heart attack when I logged into xanga and realised that they were undergoing some changes. The thought of all my posts which go waaaaay back vanished into the virtual black hole would result in a major meltdown . Thankfully, it was archived and I quickly imported to another more stable platform. As much as i love collecting notebooks and stationeries, with the convenience of a laptop, there is a huge inertia to return to pen and paper. Plus I love the clacking sound that the key board makes and the sensation of pressing down on the alphabets as my fingers fly around the type pad. Password lock definitely beats having to find a suitable hiding place and the fear of hiding it too well that even i can't find it.  And the fear that someone may accidentally stumble upon some of my private thoughts is too scary to contemplate.  

Got my lazy ass to file away all my letters / bills and now the table is marginally neater. Off to hang up the laundry. Gah i hate doing laundry.

the crack in the glass

It feels like a tight slap to the face.  I feel like I'm transported back to the dark little dorm room. The twenty year old me. Every single word is sharp like knives. It hurts but I cannot stop. A blow to the stomach. Yet, I cannot stop. Is like a meth addict that cannot stop. My fingers are glued. I can't move away.

A friend? A lover? A stranger?

In one split second,I was staring at an alien. I feel the walls coming up. I want to withdraw back to my shell and stay there forever. I want to go to a place where you are. Where you can take me into your arms, your smell, your voice. Where I know everything you say is the truth. No lies. No agenda. No pretense. The touch is genuine. It is familiar. It is warm and everything bad will go away. 

Sometimes, I will close my eyes and pretend you are here. I do my best to imagine your voice, your face. I open my eyes and it is blurred.

I miss you and always will.