。

看似光鲜亮丽的外表，但背后多少的伤痕又有谁晓得。所以看人不可以只看表面而下判断。了解一个人是需要用心去了解，其实和时间长短没有关系。有些人同床共枕了几十年都不见得了解对方。所以真正的朋友是很可贵。

他们是用上了真心去看透浅薄的外表，看到了你的快乐、你的伤感，你的愤怒，你的任性，你的小孩子气，你的认真，你的努力，你的伤痕，而始终不离不弃。

突如其来的感触。

legend of zhen huan

I am sick of doing preparer's work. Prepping the comp, doing up the tax returns, doing up the cover letter, pacifying the clients, FINAL PRINTING (i detest final printing to the max). I could have given it to the preparer to do it but being really impatient by nature and the fact that my threshold for silly mistakes (which has about 80% hit rate considering everyone is panicking over the looming deadline (2 more days!)) has shrunk to the size of a one cent coin during this crunch time, i have allowed myself to once again become the lowest life form in the corporate food chain.

Okay shouldn't complain since i brought this upon myself. I just want to get it over and done with! Oh god i am already dreaming of lying on the bed watching endless drama serials. Recently hooked on Legend of Zhen Huan. The emperor looks like a DOM with a fetish for really young girls -_-||  Nothing like Bu Bu Jing Xin (Nicky Wu = DROOLS). This drama is trying to showcase the dynamics btw the various concubines and the emperor with all the scheming and backstabbing (Zhen Huan with game face on FTW!).  Definitely none of that glitz of good lookers and hot bods with a i-am-gg-to-swoon love story.  Can't wait to see how each character evolves throughout the drama. And there is my all time favourite actress Ada Choi as the emperess! ^_^

spotted: empire state building / top of the rock / museum of natural history / randomnites

more to come! after a series of depressing posts, i think i need to put up some visuals to dispel some of the gloominess hovering over this little space. 

happy thanksgiving to ppl out thr who celebrates this day. Done reading Lionel Shriver's New Republic. Great writing as usual. The way she writes about human nature or human behaviour is very real, is never exaggerated to spice up the whole story line. Most of the stuff she writes really strikes a chord and gets me going "true true".  Oh i hope the library brings in more of her books! 

And now i shall conquer the solitude of prime numbers. Really easy read as compared to reading Shriver where there are times when i need to reread certain paras to appreciate what she is trying to say. Actually there are times when i reread it and i still have lots of question marks going on because the vocab can get pretty tough. And i always tell myself that i need to google the meaning of the words but i never get round to it. 

Tmr i am kind of torn btw gg back to the office or just doing some drawing which i have not done in a very long time. my paintbrushes beckons...

Messed ard by evil forces

Bad morning and i cant even by left alone for some peace on e bus ride. Like srsly stfu alr. Is not right but sometimes i imagine all these ppl being slowly bit by bit get pulled apart, their mouths wide open but no sound comes out and then slowly their remains turns to dust and nothing. Jean-grey style. Yeah thats how i deal w annoying ppl, mental slow painful murder. is this even healthy? And yeah alot of eye rolling is thrown in as well. And then damn i realise that when i return fr work they are still thr alive and kicking (maybe a limp or an acne exploded face can make things wee bit better) *Insert sad face* They dont call tt fantasies for nthing.

December flower

Six more working days to freedom!!! But wait who am i kidding, december doesn't seem like a slack month considering the revision of prior yr comps (the years and years of o/s issues have snowballed into a giant rolling crap), client meeting, tax provisions... So maybe it shld 6 more days to temporary freedom! Can i be selfish and just party for the first week?! And my idea of partying revolves sitting like a trishaw uncle huddled in front of the computer and watching drama serials while playing Freecell. Oh yeah i can mutitask.

And maybe sporadically release the nyc pics. And do a little swimming, some afternoon tea, dabble in my painting / doodling. Hmmm maybe dec may not seem so bad afterall. I just need to stay preoccupied to keep my mind off some notsogreat stuff. Yes, so come date me in dec okay? :)

Staunch e flow

I need to work out some kind of timeline and as i quote my partner "cut the loss". But i can't bring myself to say "lets set it on next tuesday or next friday or a month later" because. And yeah now i srsly think regret is a lot better than disappointmt.

Xmas xmas xmas xmas xmas :)

The best is yet to be

The constant questioning of the meaning of life, the point of our very existence, the unfairness, the injustice can be pretty draining. I still have no answers to all these questions. A recent reconciliation with an old friend which i thought would be a brief dinner affair and was mentally prepared for it to border on awkwardness turned out better than expected. The so called brief dinner affair became a five hour long session with coffee thrown in and even sparked off a walkathon session which i would like to claim credit for being e source of inspiration. Shameless me as usual.

Amd the funniest part is that i was the one who initiated it. I guess i didn't expect th other party to agree as the initial intention was out of sheer politeness (in real life i have employed a false shrilly tone, "oh lets meet up soon!!") and then i realised it would be too obvious to come up w some lame excuse to back out. Anyways surprise surprise, it was pretty enjoyable. A different kind of interesting with abit of awkward pauses here n there which i can deal with.

So yeah, lets see how december pans out shall we?

************

Mayday's songs are perfect for emo-ing. I probably have hit replay button like 5 million times

the flowers of nyc

From the sizes of the pictures, it is quite obvious that i gave up on trying to do any kind of formatting.  So i shall let it remain as they are. It has been what, 4 months since nyc? i am taking forever to edit them because i realised i have no more backlogs! After nyc, my next trip(s) will be in 2013. So until i accumulate enough backlog, i will continue to edit the nyc pics at a ridiculously slow rate.

I was reading a service contract the other day, and one part read " the pool members shall join forces to...." and I couldn't help but giggle a little.  Imagine a bunch of directors looking all solemn at a round table and holding hands and giving each other serious nods, as if they were heading off to war. Are you ready to join forces to combat all the evils in the world? 

okay, childish much. 

i feel like i am free but there is always a tiny thread to hold me back. i could yank myself free but will more threads come unloose. the tangles the mess it is all around swirling swirling swirling. i could take a scissors and cut loose but will i end up cutting myself as well? the flesh the red it is all around flowing flowing flowing. i dont move and the shadows will overwhelm. the darkness it is all around suffocating suffocating suffocating.

 

 

paradox

the choice between regret and disappointment is always extremely tough.  On one hand, with regret, there is still leeway to lie to oneself, the what if, the maybe, the perhaps. We get to live in delusion, the self consolation that if we were to do xxx, there is a chance that things will get completely ape shit and hence, status quo is in fact the best choice.  Yes, it could also go the other way, the route to all happiness and rainbows, but the pessimistic me will tend to bet on the worst scenario although there is still that teeeny weeny part of me that is screaming DEAR LORD PLS PLS PLS LET IT BE ALL SUNSHINE N RAINBOW. 

On the other hand, with disappointment, case is closed. That's it, no more dwelling on what's happened.  Is like after surviving a brutal war, what is that bit of cut? But where the meat is (or seem) tough, the heart is entirely a different matter.  Sure if i could i would want a heart of steel, heck no heart no pain? But magic doesn't exist so I am still stuck as a hopeless softie.  And all the scars and wounds left behind, i don't think it can take another striking. 

And we bring in my never ending list of insecurities, the ability to nitpick and magnify all my flaws (funny how i am not already dead or super depressed turned creepy turned suicidal, which also ends up dead), i have no idea when this battle will ever end.  Is funny how i won't allow others to bully me or my close loves, and yet i submit to being bullied by myself.  Never pretty enough, never thin enough, never kind enough, never talented enough.  If you were to look hard enough, you will realise that it is just the surface.  The pretense toughness to be shredded apart to find someone cowering behind.

How in the end world did i ever allow myself to end up at such a crossroad. haaaarrrrmmmppphhh. And with my character, either i refuse to budge or when i get moving, i will probably raze everything to ground, larger than life style. Is either nothing or take everything down with me. i think i need a chill pill instead.

contentment vs complacent

this month so far despite going through peak has been pretty good. so happy for my gal pal who has finally put an end to all that crap in her life and found someone fantastic. Can't wait to go to Europe next year to see my lil niece/nephew as well.

Today was a pretty good day for me. Met the bff for brunch and did some retail therapy. The sales person went "2nd piece will be 20% off and today is the last day." And i ended up spending another half an hour at the store desperately wanting to buy something to get the 20%. I know right, doesn't make any sense. An accountancy grad and i can't even do the basic math. The bff was like WHY MUST U BUY THE SECOND PIECE. I don't know ok!? Shopping makes me irrational. My mind is just focused on last day and 20%. And i was messing up one rack after another and i swear she was gg to clobber me any second. The end result was me swiping 80 bucks for a denim like top and an anchor print tank top. damn you japanese brands. So much for wanting to save up and to only do shopping in bkk. but bkk is next year. that is like more than a month away which is more than i can bear at this moment.

2012 is too fast for me! one more month and it will be 2013. we are making xmas plans for christ's sake. Xmas!! What in the world happened in xmas 2011? shiaaaat.

Found this via buzzfeed. i get goosebumps from seeing these pics. The way tt the president (CHEERS TO HIS WIN!) looks at his wife. the amount of love they have for each other is so genuine, that they were meant for each other from the very beginning.

 
 i cried like a baby as well when i watch michelle's speech on youtube.

 there are times when i look around and go what is the point? That i am just aimlessly floating around. There is nothing to look forward to, nothing to work towards to. it is like a routine. i wake up i go to work and i come home and the cycle just repeats. and i start tossing around all these questions about life which i have no answer for which makes me extremely frustrated because i can't find a satisfied answer to them. So many whys, i could go on and on abt the unfairness of it all and still i am stuck at square one. Once in a while, i do dip my toes slightly in the shadows, where life cease to exist. i picture the gore the gruesomeness, sometimes i picture it to be swift and painless. either way, there is some kind of sadistic satisfaction to it; that if i wanted to i could totally step over to the other side. 

this is becoming too depressing. bleah. thank god for my happy friends. sometimes i think i am just leeching off their positivity.
 

happy birthday to me

maybe birthdays ain't that depressing. Not when there is so much love from my girlies. How do people out there survive without any gal pals??? Guys are just not the same. You can't exactly sa jiao to a guy without him getting the wrong idea. You can't whine non-stop about random girly crap and expect him to understand. It is just not the same. And how to do group hugs!! Or like send heart / smily faces / kiss emoticons to a guy friend? Or say stuff like "i love you deep deep muacksssssssssssss" and expect the same response from a guy friend?

Man i sound angsty.

Cannot say enough how glad i am to be able to meet so many wonderful people *teary eyed* Y EVERYONE SO NICE. what did i do to deserve all these love man! 

Pardon for this super emotional post because it is the time of the month where the hormones are absolutely out of whack. Which means random moodswings and feeling so full of gratitude for all the love and then wham, feeling so fed up with all the unfairness out there and it is just RAGE AGAINST THE WORLD *shakes fist*

Oh and I have the cutest associates ever. Like wishing me happy birthday in really awkward and random ways. I am really amused. Okay la should count my lucky stars that i am still alive and kicking. time to go sleep. please no more nightmares; my poor heart cannot take it.