breathe

So many things I want to say but I don't know where to start. I'm afraid of the judgement, afraid (or rather get annoyed) of the responses that will come. Is that why people go to therapy? Because that is what most of us want isn't it? Just someone to listen and not judge.

Tucson Photo Diary Week 2

• Went to Waffle House and shared a big breakfast set. How in the world is that one person portion?
• Did grocery shopping at an Asian supermarket because we need our rice, chinese sauces and chinese veges. Oh how i missed hawker centres :(
• Cooked fried rice at home. Actually le hubs cooked while I just did some eyepower like a boss
• First time having tamale (pronounced as ter-mah-lee) and it was yummy! I really love Mexican food (burritos, salsa, tacos, black beans and now tamale)
• Gorgeous sunset on the way home

We went to Catalina State Park to do some morning hike. It wasnt super tough but the waterpools were waaay too far so we turned back at a peak point. Plus the sun was coming up and we didnt want to end up as 2 dried up corpses. Too sad a way to die.

Week 1 in Tucson

I have decided to (sort of) document my time here in Tucson for memories sake and hope to fill this space with some nice pictures. Going back to pre-Tucson, I was working till the day before I was scheduled to fly because I wanted my bonus and my big boss was incredibly nice to give a nice little bonus, "as a farewell gift" as he put it. So basically said my farewells, packed my table (it was a WAY WAY WAY shorter and less painful process compared to the leaving of the previous company where I amassed a ton of crap. To be fair, I was there way longer. Anyway, thanks to the clean desk policy at the next company, I didn't have too much stuff because I was too lazy to clean up the desk everyday before I go home. Then again, I see my colleague simply swiping everything into her drawer...) and rushed home to do some last minute packing.

Woke up the next day for my flight, said my goodbyes, did the standard picture taking with my in-laws, gugu, er jie, elliot and le bff and off I went! ON BUSINESS CLASS (Since I dont exactly make big bucks nor does le hubs, it is a big thing to take business class. Damn suaka to be so excited but this is probably the first and last time (actually, secretly hoping this is NOT the last time. Got to drop some (not to subtle; cuz men) hints to le hubs). The seat is so damn comfy; so much leg room; can totally be converted into a bed; blah blah blah. Basically business class = THIS IS FRIGGIN HEAVEN. How to go back to Economy class!! (stares hopefully at le hubs).

Reached LAX airport and yeap, it is crap compared to Narita Airport. They have the most ridiculous system. After passing custom, there is another "custom" where they just simply collect your custom card?!!??! Why can't they just collect it at the custom point? At the next "custom" point, the guy looked at me and said "I like Japan". I was thinking "我又不是日本人" -.-

Anyways safe and sound now in Tucson. Did a ton of furniture shopping and now it is looking more like a livable apartment rather than a slum. So far, all I did was clean the house, grocery shop, gym and then clean the house again. So much for a taitai life which everyone was envious about. The bedroom and living room are carpeted and I find carpets absolutely filthy and disgusting. WHY CANT U JUST HAVE NORMAL WOOD FLOORING?!?! Cleaning will be such a breeze! I vacuum everyday, and I still wear slippers to walk around because. SO FILTHY. Ordered 2 huge rugs to so that I can minimise stepping on the carpets when I don't feel like wearing my bedroom slippers.

Suddenly, it feels like living by yourself isn't as glamorous as I envisioned it to be. It is only glamorous when you don't have to do any household chores. They are super time consuming. My days so far like I mentioned is filled with cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, ironing and packing. Great I just made myself sound like a maid -.- What happened to wearing super chic clothes, popping by Starbucks and then walking around and taking nice pictures???? Hopefully when things settle down and I ever get my hands on a driving license (that is another story on how I badly want to wring le hubs neck).

Just a simple bucket list that I hope to accomplish in my time here:-

• Travel to South America (this where I also want to wring le hubs neck because it seems almost impossible for him to nail down his leave)
• Painting class (that is when I get my driver's license. Which i hope is SOON)
• Become a better cook (yet another story where I want to wring le hubs neck. How come I seem to always want to wring his neck...)
• Brush up on my Japanese
• Have kid (maybe?) (Another story for another day)
• Travel to other parts of America (San Fran! New York (Oh I have missed you NYC!) Las Vegas! Chicago! Portland!)

Hi grumpy

Is it possible to dread one of the supposedly greatest day of your life? "Supposedly" because i cant agree how having 70% of the ppl at a "greatest day of my life" event that i have never ever met nor care would conjure a happy image. And of course the table seating. So. Painful. I. Can't. Even. Dont even let me get started on all the stuff that we are suppose to buy all in the name of chinese tradition. 

No wait i want to get started on it. Because it was one of e rare moments where i literally rolled my eyes (most of the time is an imaginary eye roll out of courtesy to the rolled-at party) and had to use my handphone to keep my fingers busy (which means bitch texting to e bff)., else the same fingers will be wrapped ard the dude's throat at the store selling wedding stuff. SERIOUSLY my future baby is not gg to be blessed just because i bought a fugly cheap plasticy crap that is meant to be a bathing tub okay?!?!? TELL ME WILL ROLL EYES ANOT. Wtf. And i have already said beforehand i just want the bloody tea set and porcelain bowl set, so quit trying to sell ur whatever shitty set at extorbitant prices in e name of chinese tradition ok? Got so mad that i went to taobao to get them instead (which is cheaper btw).

And to the part which to me is the most important, the solemnisation, could potentially end up to be ruined by the said 70 percent ppl loitering ard to pass time. Cannot chase them away or something. May need to do something drastic like setting up a bloody carnival elsewhere to keep them occupied so i can say my vows in presence of ppl who truly care. 

Word of advice, dont have a banquet if u can get away with it. Unless u are marrying someone where money isnt an issue and all e misc stuff is settled for you and All u fret abt is what to wear.

flashback

Flash of certain images, texts. Emotions resurfacing. Feel a little comforted, a little angry, a little happy, bits of regret, perhaps a little guilt. Too many too little. It is going to be a tough long night.

twenty seven

Turning twenty seven in an hour's time fifty-two minutes (because I am anal like that)!

Aaaaand... yeap. That's it. It feels the same turning 26. And 25. And 24. Maybe a slight difference - NO MORE PEAK! Woots! Apart from that, life goes on. I am such a wet blanket on my own birthday.

The initial plan of just rotting my life away chilling at home, watch a lot of some TV (omg Scandal is SO SO SO GOOD. I don't particularly like anyone in the show but the plot is full of twists and damn exciting! I am rather undecided on Huck and Quinn. I kind of like Huck because he is just plain psycho in some scenes but sometimes he is kind of whiny which irritates me. The same goes for Quinn. Oooh and Jake is hot.), go for my run had to be ditched because of last minute plans.  Actually, by normal standards, it is not really last minute since it was planned the day before. Bu by my super anal standards, anything not planned at least 3 days in advance = last minute. I am the place where all spontaneity comes to die. But this time i shall let this particular spark of spontaneity live because I am feelin' magnanimous. And also I get to torture play with my gf's hair and face! 

An extension of exciting stuff (by exciting means having some kind of social life and not having my butt firmly attached to my chair, wearing my PJs and watching TV) would be moving to a new floor for my work! My new seat is awesome shizz because to my back are windows. Which means, NO ONE CAN SEE WHAT I AM DOING ON MY COMPUTER -rub hands with glee- Then again, the company blocks almost every damn thing you can think of which leaves me with ... IRAS website, MAS website and investopedia. 

On the plus side, it is on the 8th floor (we used to be seated at 13th. And no the plus side is not because it is on an auspicious floor) and that means no more going into lift rage when every other bloody person in the damn lift presses a lower floor number which translates to taking 10 bajillion years to get to my floor. Especially so when you are going to be late and the lift STOPS AT EVERY DAMN FLOOR FROM THE 4th TO THE 12th. I admit that I sometimes do the douchey thing which is to furiously jab at the close button the moment I step into the lift because statistics have shown that 99% of the people who enter the same lift with me alights at a lower floor. Dont give me judgy eyes because I am sure everyone has done that at one point or another. Right??!? Right.

And what is all this positivity without some not-so-good stuff to balance it out. Still kind of fuming over some personal stuff. It didn't happen to me so all i am sayin' is YOU DONT JUST COME AND MESS WITH MAH GIRL AND EXPECT TO WALK AWAY UNSCATH. Not that I am going to do anything (unless you count wishing upon that person constipation and pimple explosion) because there really isn't much I can do.  I hate feeling helpless and I wish I had the super power to just take it all away. Or strike the 10 million lottery and just whizz my girl away on an awesome trip. And buy a couple of Chanels. And Ferragamos. And that super cute dress I saw which cost an obscene amount of money. 


Ending in the most abrupt and awkward manner (just like I am in real life. Ball of awkward. And occasional grumpy), a picture of my pretty gf (doubling up as proof that there is at least one person out there who loves me and all my awkwardness and grumpiness).

 
 

 

三百六十五天

Happy three sixty five to us! Hopefully another sixty more 365s (unless death - the grand plan is to live till ard eighty-ish but if fate says to expire before that, then so be it; or divource gets to us first). 

Xoxo

The ever pessimist

goodbye

Seems like going through (and surviving) the most painful event ever makes everything else easier to go through. Easier in the sense that it just feels hollow inside. No tears no pain, just emptiness. Is this a new kind of pain? Can it be considered pain if there is no "pain"?

Goodbye Nicky. Goodbye.

Tin Lung Heen (2 Star Michelin Star HK Restaurant) @ Ritz Carlton

Ever since we couldn't get a reservation at a one star restaurant when we were in the States (we even went to the restaurant before it opened to wait, hoping to snag a table. But nope, no chance. Even when we pleaded and said that we will eat real fast #likeanasianyo. Nope. Was turned away politely by the staff. -cue silent tear down my cheek- I think we went to Noma's as a substitute. Which is also awesome. OMG to the food although we had to wait 40 minutes. Have never had better breakfast-y food in SG. Plus it was big sister's treat. So it was a FREE awesome brunch cuz i am cheap like that. -double thumbs up- And sorry i digressed), I have been obsessing with eating at one. So when a short impromptu trip to Hong Kong was made, I was like all "girl (or rather boy since i was goingg with T) we gotta go eat at a Michelin star restaurant yo at ALL COST".

Thanks to the power of technology, a reservation was made in 10 seconds flat. And then my phone beeped with the email confirmation. Tim Lung Heen, here we come.

The candied nuts were moreish. Had to slap T's hand from reaching out more. 

I cannot remember what was inside! I think it was scallops.

Iberian pork! It was melt in your mouth and clog your arteries delicious. But it get pretty jelat after the second piece. AND THERE WERE EIGHT. -.-

Glutinous rice is always love. It is not OMG Fantastic but it was nice.

Carrot cake. Once again, ginormousy portion for 2. T wanted it so we ordered. It was pretty nice.

Once again, T insisted on trying the po lo bao. It was nice, but I wouldnt pay for it at TLH.

Mango-y dessert.

Total damage was $150 for 2. Was it worth the price? Not really. I felt I was paying more for the atmosphere (it was at 102 floor and we were literally in the clouds) and the top notch service. The only thing that I thought was really good was the iberian pork. Nonetheless, I had a great time because of the company. I refused to let T eat before having snapped the perfect shot with my camera AND my iphone. I was laughing so hard because he was going " DONT TAKE ALREADY LA. FOOD COLD ALREADY STILL TAKE. I WANT TO EAT NAO NAO NAO!"

Now to tackle another michelin star restuarant! #suckerforlife

big brother

"It was a trap. I'd seen the type in the entertainment world of LA, people who get so far and no farther, seething resentfully on the margins at people who direct real Hollywood movies or act in real Broadway plays. These near misses often get just enough reward here and there that they won't give up, but their occasional small successes are in some ways worse than nothing.  

Failure affords release."

"Lastly, the well and truly fat. I think we long ago put to rest their reputation for jollity. Misery, more like it. Melancholy, perhaps. Helplessness. Self-indulgence and self-deceit. Defensiveness. Resignation to the present; fatalism about the future. Self-hatred and self-reproach. Shyness. Self-pity, albeit richly deserved; a persecution complex, although ought it be called a "complex" when you're genuinely persecuted? A self-deprecating sense of humour. Humility. As a consequence of having all too often been on the pointy end of malice, kindness. An enfolding warmth. Generosity. Born of self-evident frailty, cheerful acceptance of whatever might also be wrong with you. A longing to be left in peace, and a preference for staying home. Gentleness. Harmlessness. Langour. Frankness. Ribaldry. A down-to-earth nature and a lack of pretension."

-Big Brother, Lionel Shriver

She nailed it. As always. Loved her new novel to bits. When I read the ending, I was like WTF?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I hated it, I wanted it so badly to turn out what I thought to be. And then i grew to love it. Because it is SO GOD DAMN TRUE. That deep down as much as we would all love the cliche happily ever after ending, the reality is far from that. That relationships aren't that simple as it is. That the whole "blood is thicker than water" can only go so far. 

Damn i can't wait for her next novel. 

the fault in our stars

"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you.” 

“There are infinite numbers between 0 and 1. There's .1 and .12 and .112 and an infinite collection of others. Of course, there is a bigger infinite set of numbers between 0 and 2, or between 0 and a million. Some infinities are bigger than other infinities. A writer we used to like taught us that. There are days, many of them, when I resent the size of my unbounded set. I want more numbers than I'm likely to get, and God, I want more numbers for Augustus Waters than he got. But, Gus, my love, I cannot tell you how thankful I am for our little infinity. I wouldn't trade it for the world. You gave me a forever within the numbered days, and I'm grateful.”  

My two favourite paras of the book. Bulldozed through the book in 2 days. I am undecided if I want to watch the movie, if it can live up to the book. If it does, I am so going to bawl my eyes out like how I did when I was finishing up the last part of the book. I was tearing on the bus and didnt dare to continue till I was safely in the confines of my tiny room. 

Another classic oh-my-god-i-am-crying-till-i-cant-breathe-and-i-am-gg-to-look-like-crap-the-next-day-because-my-eyes-are-gg-to-be-so-swollen-it-is-not-even-funny is "A Walk to Remember". Both the book and the movie reduced me to a pile of sobbing mess. A complete sucker for such love stories. 

Now I am juggling between GoT (Book 5 now finally!!!) and May We be Forgiven. I still have a lot more books in my Kindle waiting to be read. The couple of days have been spent reading on the MRT instead of the bus because I have been attending trainings at the inland revenue house. 

Kind of dreading tmr's training because the trainer is so incredibly long winded and there are so many times that i want to scream "GET TO THE FREAKING POINT ALREADY" / "YES HOW MANY TIMES DO U NEED TO REPEAT THIS. WE GET IT. WE G.E.T. I.T. WE REALLY GE. WHAT YOU ARE REPEATING IT AGAIN?!!?" / "NO THIS IS NOT RELEVANT. I DONT CARE YOU ARE SICK/DYING/INSERT WHATEVER DISEASE AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT SPREADING IT TO ME. MOVE ON WITH THE TEACHING TYVM" 

I think the trainer kind of avoided looking in my direction because my face was so black and the aura that was I was channeling screams "i want to beat you with a stick if you repeat the same ol' point AGAIN. like for the 1093848754th time." And not surprisingly, he ended late which means BAD TIME MANAGEMENT DUDE. RAH. And he wants to start later tmr!?!? Like WTH?! Shouldnt we aim to start on time so that we can end on time??? 

Travelling via train in the morning is something I have not done since I have started work, preferring bus as the mode of transport to work as opposed to the train. And with the recent (maybe not so recent) string of train disruptions and all the horror stories that I hear, I am more pro-bus than ever. But somehow, this morning's train wasn't as bad as I thought. It wasn't that crowded or maybe cause I was a bit too early, hence missing the peak period crowd. Thanks to the trainer's attempt to be "kind" and start the training later, it will mean that I will need to fight my way into the train with the insane crowd cause I will be taking the later train. Either that or reach insanely early and freeze my butt off in the training room. WHY YOU WANT TO START LATER!!!!!!!!

Speedlight

So many levels, so many sides, so many roles, so many identities, so many faces. I love them all. So, which do you see?

I want lunch! 

Painting shall be the alternate plan. The bath bombs shall not be subjected to water death and continue the peaceful life as an air fresherner. As of now. Lucky you two.

 My fingers are itching to braid some hair. Any hair volunteers? Just makes me want to grow my hair again. 

Luuuuunccchhhhhh

All that money

I am no saint, i admit. I love gambling, i love the adrenaline rush that comes with it. But at the very least, i gamble within my means. I know when to cut off and walk away before the losses get out of hand. 

Early morning counselling on the way to work seems to be the trend. Being the loyal friend, im always more than happy to lend the listening ear, to give advice and to offer comfort words. I am glad that my close friends will think of me to come to for help, that i am someone they can trust and rely on. That being said, the current issue hits too close to home and i am finding it very hard to control my emotions as i normally can. To separate chloe at work and xinhui as a friend. 

This is going to be a long long day.

P.S: just had to get this off my chest. U major asshole! Im gg to kick yr ass and give u a good wakeup call if i ever see u that is.

Edit:

So close to swearing off men and turning lesbian. Awesome day followed by 2 consecutive shit days. Someone up thr is having fun messing with me. What better way to close off 2013. I. Need. My. Long. Run.

Dwell

越想越烦。真的很爱想太多。明明可以很简单却要搞得很复杂。

烦

死

了

vanished

I almost had a mini heart attack when I logged into xanga and realised that they were undergoing some changes. The thought of all my posts which go waaaaay back vanished into the virtual black hole would result in a major meltdown . Thankfully, it was archived and I quickly imported to another more stable platform. As much as i love collecting notebooks and stationeries, with the convenience of a laptop, there is a huge inertia to return to pen and paper. Plus I love the clacking sound that the key board makes and the sensation of pressing down on the alphabets as my fingers fly around the type pad. Password lock definitely beats having to find a suitable hiding place and the fear of hiding it too well that even i can't find it.  And the fear that someone may accidentally stumble upon some of my private thoughts is too scary to contemplate.  

Got my lazy ass to file away all my letters / bills and now the table is marginally neater. Off to hang up the laundry. Gah i hate doing laundry.

the crack in the glass

It feels like a tight slap to the face.  I feel like I'm transported back to the dark little dorm room. The twenty year old me. Every single word is sharp like knives. It hurts but I cannot stop. A blow to the stomach. Yet, I cannot stop. Is like a meth addict that cannot stop. My fingers are glued. I can't move away.

A friend? A lover? A stranger?

In one split second,I was staring at an alien. I feel the walls coming up. I want to withdraw back to my shell and stay there forever. I want to go to a place where you are. Where you can take me into your arms, your smell, your voice. Where I know everything you say is the truth. No lies. No agenda. No pretense. The touch is genuine. It is familiar. It is warm and everything bad will go away. 

Sometimes, I will close my eyes and pretend you are here. I do my best to imagine your voice, your face. I open my eyes and it is blurred.

I miss you and always will.

defining you

"You are not your bra-size, nor are you the width of your waist, nor are you the slenderness of your calves. 

You are not your hair color, your skin color, nor are you a shade of lipstick. 

Your shoe-size is of no consequence. 

You are not defined by the amount of attention you get from males, females, or any combination thereof. 

You are not the number of sit-ups you can do, nor are you the number of calories in a day. 

You are not your mustache. You are not the hair on your legs. You are not a little red dress.

You are no amalgam of these things.

You are the content of your character. 

You are the ambitions that drive you. You are the goals that you set. 

You are the things that you laugh at and the words that you say. 

You are the thoughts you think and the things you wonder. 

You are beautiful and desirable not for the clique you attend, but for the spark of life within you that compels you to make your life a full and meaningful one. 

You are beautiful not for the shape of the vessel, but for the volume of the soul it carries"

-unknown

sometimes, we only see what is on the surface, see what is reflected back at us in the mirror. but if we look harder, just a little bit harder, the beauty that lies beneath all the superficial flaws.

Cope

I must be insane to extend my notice. I.n.s.a.n.e. Even if i wasnt insane at the point where i made the decision to do so, im probably insane now. Driven mad by all the work, the endless calls from clients and the tax authority and of course the smallest stuff like where is the friggin' FS! Actually, that isnt "small". It is fucking scary to not be able to find it. Especially at this point. In the whirlpool of madness. 

Yes it is a mad peson trapped in madness.

Breathe

RAAAAAAAAAH! having minions under you at work sure has its benefits, like doubling up as a punching bag. In this case, the punching bag was the innocent senior associate who happened to be within arm's length ,i.e. Ideal punching radius. Now where are the other male associates....

Gah i need b&j. 

meet my new friend

Claudette iz her name

I met Claudette today and she cost $60. Yes, you can buy friendship! Who says friendship is priceless? It isn't! So welcome, Claudette, to my tight little circle of friends because your new friend here is anti-social and enjoys having her butt fused into the chair while watching eps after eps of TV crap over mingling with other humans.

Besides the exciting news of a new found friend, I burnt my hand with the curling tongs. Specifically my right hand. So now I know what 200 degrees feels like. In fact, I can tell you right now what it feels like. MUTHAFUCKING HOT LIKE FUCKITY FUCK. Yeah that's how it feels like. I'm amazed my fingers haven't turned black yet.  My fingers are tough shit yo.  As opposed to my good friend's delicate face (I AM SO SORRY TWINNIE FOR BURNING A SPOT ON YR FACE I REALLY AM). Now we know curling tongs can double up as a murder weapon. Sticks and stones may break your bones but I guarantee the curling tongs set at 200 degree will burn yr face off! BURN YOUR FOES WITH CURLING TONGS!

To top off the awesome day of having a new friend and the discovery of a new murder tool, I cut my hair! I wanted to keep it long but after seeing Rachel McAdams looking cute as a button in short hair, I decided to snip off my not-here-not-there hair length to a short bob. The only bad part is the fringe. OMFG. It is bloody annoying!!!!! Please see pictures below.



SEE WHAT I MEAN SEE WHAT I MEAN!!!! fucking annoying fringe!!!!

sayin' hi bottoms up! my nostrils are chioer than yrs.

the side view of le bob

 

prove that my right fingers are not black. and annoying fringe pinned up because my left eye is sick of looking at a block of hair.

It is kinda mean to bitch badmouth Just voicing out a mini annoyance, T sometimes falls asleep while texting me. Am i that boring? Am I? Am I? If you are reading this which i doubt so, but just in case, AM I?!!? Maybe I should start sending over half naked pics of myself or something...