All that money

I am no saint, i admit. I love gambling, i love the adrenaline rush that comes with it. But at the very least, i gamble within my means. I know when to cut off and walk away before the losses get out of hand. 

Early morning counselling on the way to work seems to be the trend. Being the loyal friend, im always more than happy to lend the listening ear, to give advice and to offer comfort words. I am glad that my close friends will think of me to come to for help, that i am someone they can trust and rely on. That being said, the current issue hits too close to home and i am finding it very hard to control my emotions as i normally can. To separate chloe at work and xinhui as a friend. 

This is going to be a long long day.

P.S: just had to get this off my chest. U major asshole! Im gg to kick yr ass and give u a good wakeup call if i ever see u that is.

Edit:

So close to swearing off men and turning lesbian. Awesome day followed by 2 consecutive shit days. Someone up thr is having fun messing with me. What better way to close off 2013. I. Need. My. Long. Run.

Dwell

越想越烦。真的很爱想太多。明明可以很简单却要搞得很复杂。

烦

死

了

vanished

I almost had a mini heart attack when I logged into xanga and realised that they were undergoing some changes. The thought of all my posts which go waaaaay back vanished into the virtual black hole would result in a major meltdown . Thankfully, it was archived and I quickly imported to another more stable platform. As much as i love collecting notebooks and stationeries, with the convenience of a laptop, there is a huge inertia to return to pen and paper. Plus I love the clacking sound that the key board makes and the sensation of pressing down on the alphabets as my fingers fly around the type pad. Password lock definitely beats having to find a suitable hiding place and the fear of hiding it too well that even i can't find it.  And the fear that someone may accidentally stumble upon some of my private thoughts is too scary to contemplate.  

Got my lazy ass to file away all my letters / bills and now the table is marginally neater. Off to hang up the laundry. Gah i hate doing laundry.

the crack in the glass

It feels like a tight slap to the face.  I feel like I'm transported back to the dark little dorm room. The twenty year old me. Every single word is sharp like knives. It hurts but I cannot stop. A blow to the stomach. Yet, I cannot stop. Is like a meth addict that cannot stop. My fingers are glued. I can't move away.

A friend? A lover? A stranger?

In one split second,I was staring at an alien. I feel the walls coming up. I want to withdraw back to my shell and stay there forever. I want to go to a place where you are. Where you can take me into your arms, your smell, your voice. Where I know everything you say is the truth. No lies. No agenda. No pretense. The touch is genuine. It is familiar. It is warm and everything bad will go away. 

Sometimes, I will close my eyes and pretend you are here. I do my best to imagine your voice, your face. I open my eyes and it is blurred.

I miss you and always will.