paradox

the choice between regret and disappointment is always extremely tough.  On one hand, with regret, there is still leeway to lie to oneself, the what if, the maybe, the perhaps. We get to live in delusion, the self consolation that if we were to do xxx, there is a chance that things will get completely ape shit and hence, status quo is in fact the best choice.  Yes, it could also go the other way, the route to all happiness and rainbows, but the pessimistic me will tend to bet on the worst scenario although there is still that teeeny weeny part of me that is screaming DEAR LORD PLS PLS PLS LET IT BE ALL SUNSHINE N RAINBOW. 

On the other hand, with disappointment, case is closed. That's it, no more dwelling on what's happened.  Is like after surviving a brutal war, what is that bit of cut? But where the meat is (or seem) tough, the heart is entirely a different matter.  Sure if i could i would want a heart of steel, heck no heart no pain? But magic doesn't exist so I am still stuck as a hopeless softie.  And all the scars and wounds left behind, i don't think it can take another striking. 

And we bring in my never ending list of insecurities, the ability to nitpick and magnify all my flaws (funny how i am not already dead or super depressed turned creepy turned suicidal, which also ends up dead), i have no idea when this battle will ever end.  Is funny how i won't allow others to bully me or my close loves, and yet i submit to being bullied by myself.  Never pretty enough, never thin enough, never kind enough, never talented enough.  If you were to look hard enough, you will realise that it is just the surface.  The pretense toughness to be shredded apart to find someone cowering behind.

How in the end world did i ever allow myself to end up at such a crossroad. haaaarrrrmmmppphhh. And with my character, either i refuse to budge or when i get moving, i will probably raze everything to ground, larger than life style. Is either nothing or take everything down with me. i think i need a chill pill instead.